Shimmerin Angel

So I finally got rid of all my split ends and got an update hair style Coupled with the new shirt I bought today (On sale for 12 bucks!) I totally look like a rock star. Would have looked more like one with some makeup on but whatever!

and my new incredible awesomely cool shirt

I feel incredibly sexy in this shirt. No idea why Not going to question it though!

Ok, so I want to ask you guys on my FLIST if I’m a bad friend. 

Ok, so my one friend, who I’m going to call A became friends with my other friend who I’m going to call M. Now I’m very happy that A and M are friends, don’t get me wrong. 

So yesterday, A, M and I went up to DQ for lunch (and M and I  decided to skip music and go for a drive with A since it was her spare) for her birthday. So as were driving A and M are in the front seat and I’m in the back seat. They’re up there, laughing and the music is blasting and I can’t hear what they’re saying. At this point, I’m feeling very left out. On top of that, I get this feeling like I’m not really wanted there. So whatever, A drives us all back to school intime for A’s Chem, M’s math and my spare. 

Today, I saw them standing in the hall talking so I joined them. We went down to the caf so M could heat up her soup (you know the cambells ones that are read and in a handheld cup thing?). So we went out and hung out in the hall. A asked M if she wanted to go for a drive and M said sure. So A went up the the library to get her keys while I sat with M on the bench in the hall. I found the silence to be very very awkward. A comes back down and M stands up to join her, but I stay sitting on the bench, not quite sure what to do since I wasnt invited. A turns around and asks me if I’m coming. I ask her what vehicle she has and I says the black one. I say that M would probably want the front and I can’t get into the back seat. There are no doors to the back, you have to move the seat. I’ve tried to get back there, but I can’t fit…yet, still too big. So M said she’d sit in the back. They were teasing me the whole way to the truck saying that they’ll just shove me into the back. 

A was teasing me about slash that I write, since I showed her. I only showed her when she promised that she would not tell anyone and yet she’s saying it rigth infront of M! Not many people in my school are slash friendly, so I try and keep it on the DL. She did it the day before and I tried to plead with her with my eyes since I couldn’t really say anything. I have to talk to her about that, because it really bugged me. 

Then, M decided to bring up a dream that I had told her about, and I made her swear that she wouldn’t tell anyone. In my dream I was getting kissed by some guy (I know who but I’ll never tell!) and when I woke up I could still feel the phantom pressure of lips on my neck. Now since I’ve never been kissed, I have no idea how I even know how that would feel sooo…. ya but anyway so they both start teasing me about it. 

Please bare in mind that these incidences are not in chronological order, I’m just writing them down as I remember. 

So anyway, We were talking about boyfriends and shit and I’m like I’m fat, I’m not going to get a boyfriend in highschool because guys care too much about looks. So A’s like if you don’t like your image, change it! and I’m like I AM! And M starts laughing. They don’t realize that once you get as big as I did, your body doesn’t want to let go of the weight, which makes it harder for me to loose it. So I’m thinking in my head, wow you guys are so FUCKING SUPPORTIVE! Fuck! I need your support, not your taunts. 

For most of the drive, it was quite and I felt the silence was awkward (ok, we had music blasting again, but there was like no laughing) and I felt that if I were to be the one in the back, they’d be laughing it up. I felt like they didn’t really want me there, so I got like major depressed. I felt like such shit and had a break down, so I faked sick and my mom picked me up, I told her what happened and she let me come grocery shopping with her. Ok, so it’s not just the thing with A and M, but like my whole life right now and school work so I just had a mini break down today. 

Maybe I’m just reading too much into the whole feeling like a third wheel and they don’t really want me there. I mean like M makes A laugh, and I find it hard to make her laugh. They get along so well and somtimes, I don’t know what to say to A. With A, I feel like I can be 100% me, but I can’t do that with M. Like they want to spend all their free time together, and I get that with a new friend and all. I’m hoping it’s just that and they’re not shoving me out of their lives all together. If they do, that means I’ve lost like the only two friends I have in my school…wait never mind, I’m forgetting Haley, but I’m not that close with her. 

Ever since Torree decided she didn’t want to be friends anymore, I haven’t really been close with anyone until A came along. I’m just scared I’m going to loose her as a friend. Fuck, listen to me, I sound like an insecure fuck. Well, that’s not surprising. Everytime I get close to someone they hurt me and I guess I’m just scared I’m going to get hurt again. I’m wondering if I should just slowly pull out of the friendship before it goes and farther and I get hurt even more. 

FLIST, what should I do?

I decided to make a new journal. 

xmusic_angelx

 is now my fic journal. I decided that trying to keep the two seperate in the same journal was becoming way to much work! 

I’ve got so much homework right now! I know your senior year is supose to prepare you for university and college, but this is ridiculous! If you want to give us so much work to get us ready, can you at least do us the favour and do it all year? Not just the last two and a half weeks of the freaking semester? I swear, teachers are trying to kill all senior students! 

Cannot wait until June 28th. My Dad, Grandma and Godmother are coming for my graduation! I’m so freaking excited! I haven’t seen my godmother since last august and I’m so psyched to see her! 

Speaking of work, I better do some.